Monday, July 26, 2010

Barrel Dredger

This is from a long time ago. Jack Scatter is a hard-news journalist of ill-repute. He doesn't believe in typing, so I volunteered.

"Scatter's Matters"
A column by Jack Scatter
as dictated to Brian Martinez
Celebrity News

“I don’t use them anymore. They’re like, whatever.”
That’s former President Bill Clinton, talking about his ears. He was spotted at a restaurant recently eating a man’s face. Speaking of faces, Ted Turner has one. Hey, remember Jim Carrey?

This past Tuesday I ran into Nicole Kidman in my garage. She punched me in the mouth and swallowed eight pounds of taffy.

First O.J. Simpson and now Kylie Minogue. Will celebrities never learn?

Robert Deniro is apparently still distraught over the holocaust. Sounds like this taxi-driving Goodfella needs to relax and Meet The Parents!

All anyone can talk about these days is the war. I mean c’mon, war? When was his last movie, ’92?

What’s truly disturbing is news that Sean Connery’s head has detached from it’s body, sprouted rockets and is currently terrifying residents of a small town in New Mexico. Still doesn’t mean I forgive him for ‘League of Extraordinary Gentlemen’.

In the Hush-Hush Department, word on the street and in the home my mother was put in last year after the steak-knife incident on President’s Day, is I’m dead to her.

NBC is eyeing a giant robot, to be released next Fall.

Did you know if I mention Britney Spears, I get a quarter?

Is it just me, or does Cedric the Entertainer transmit love poems directly into your cerebral cortex by using special satellites on top of the Chrysler Building, in which the poem always ends with the line “And we shall be united, rifle in hand”?

Hey, hear about some celebrity who did something somewhere sometime?

And excuse me, but when did wiping become so popular?

President Lincoln update: still dead. And come on, guy. Lose the Lincoln beard.

In a bold and no doubt lucrative move, Paramount Pictures has optioned a remake of a film they’re currently in the process of filming. The remake is scheduled to hit theaters a week before the original. Ted Danson, who stars in the original, is set to do a cameo.

Stay tuned!

Friday, July 02, 2010

Of Sirens and C-Sections

Hey there
Let me burn your night down
Let me disassemble your functioning drunk
Your parallelomilligram
Your revolting insights, your
Twilight years transcribed via phonechainmailorderforms

Let me fill your calendar with made-up holidays
Infinite Looping Parade Day
Anti-Matter Deathday (Observed)
Celebration of The No
Because the fire trucks are screaming
Through terrified neighborhoods,
Blaring their horns in a portent of smoke
And jelly-flopping legs
Turning circles through parking lots and into
The telling of legends

So hey there
Come back and hear me out
I've got a pretty good deal
And you should really just
Hear me out
You might find something you've been looking for
Under ant and egg sac-stained stones

And you just might
Understate purpose,
Justify talons,
Pull back the teeth of your bear trap with
Nervous construction

And when you do,
And you see the inscription
Carved out by the marrow of dying animals
You may find it spells out your maiden name
Dressed in the scabs and fur of
Exodus and such